Remembering Jocelyn

After reading Stacies entry I thought I would share Jocelyn Marie Reed's story. It is hard to believe it has been over 20 years ago already.

This entry is dedicated to my Angel, Jocelyn Marie Reed!

She was born and died on December 11, 1987. I was over 8 months pregnant and it was the hardest day of my life. To give birth to an angel, knowing that I had to give her back to Jesus without ever having her hear me say "I Love You." She was perfect in every way. She was so small and beautiful. So still in my arms, if only I could have told her I loved her just once, If only I could have heard her cry, IF ONLY.... The If's can eat you up. What if I had done this or that? Could I have caused this, could I have prevented this? My pregnancy was uneventful, had perfect check ups, and had been to the doctor only 2 days before. We were so excited and had spent so much time getting Makayla then 2 ready to be a big sister. That was the hardest thing for me. Going home that night empty handed and having to tell my sweet little girl who had been talking and kissing my stomach for months, that her baby sister was now with Jesus.

I found out that Jocelyn had died on a Monday, yet the doctor was not able to deliver her until that next Thursday. I had to walk around looking like Iwas ready to deliver and having people come up to me asking when the baby was due etc. Makayla was performing in a Christmas program at church on Wednesday, everyone kept coming up to me asking when the baby was due etc. I can remember just telling some soon just because I could not bring myself to explain everything.

Going to the hospital knowing that I had to still deliver my baby, plan a funeral, and then go back home to take care of my little girl was quite overwhelming. The hospital was wonderful, they were very helpful, the only critisizm would have been that they put me in a room next to a woman screaming and babies crying. They dressed Jocelyn and brought her to us so we could hold her and love her for as long as we needed. I had so many friends and family that were so supportive. I could not have made it without their support. My mom helped so much, taking care of Makayla while I planned the funeral and other things one has to do.

As Christmas drew near Makayla colored a picture and mom dictated a letter for her little sister in heaven. For several years Makalya refered to Jocelyn as her sister in heaven. Each year she wrapped presents, wrote letters, and colored pictures, all carefully set by Santa's cookies and milk with specific instructions to deliver them to heaven for her sister. I saved the letters, recently giving them back to Makayla.

When I went back to teaching in Mill City, my students were so wonderful. They sent me cards, gave me flowers, and were so kind and thoughtful.

Although, losing my daughter, I am so thankful that God gave me 9 months with Jocelyn. Sharing the expereince of giving her life, feeling her growing inside me, feeling her kick, and finally, giving the perfect gift back to the One that sent her in the first place.

That experienced opened many doors over the years to help others as they went through similar situations. It also allowed me to have my wonderful son Jordan. And it also helped me to treasure the children that God does bless us with.

Although I would have never wanted this, I would not change anything. One day I will get to spend eternity with my daughter, my angel, Jocelyn.

I Love You

Mom