Remembering Jocelyn

After reading Stacies entry I thought I would share Jocelyn Marie Reed's story. It is hard to believe it has been over 20 years ago already.

This entry is dedicated to my Angel, Jocelyn Marie Reed!

She was born and died on December 11, 1987. I was over 8 months pregnant and it was the hardest day of my life. To give birth to an angel, knowing that I had to give her back to Jesus without ever having her hear me say "I Love You." She was perfect in every way. She was so small and beautiful. So still in my arms, if only I could have told her I loved her just once, If only I could have heard her cry, IF ONLY.... The If's can eat you up. What if I had done this or that? Could I have caused this, could I have prevented this? My pregnancy was uneventful, had perfect check ups, and had been to the doctor only 2 days before. We were so excited and had spent so much time getting Makayla then 2 ready to be a big sister. That was the hardest thing for me. Going home that night empty handed and having to tell my sweet little girl who had been talking and kissing my stomach for months, that her baby sister was now with Jesus.

I found out that Jocelyn had died on a Monday, yet the doctor was not able to deliver her until that next Thursday. I had to walk around looking like Iwas ready to deliver and having people come up to me asking when the baby was due etc. Makayla was performing in a Christmas program at church on Wednesday, everyone kept coming up to me asking when the baby was due etc. I can remember just telling some soon just because I could not bring myself to explain everything.

Going to the hospital knowing that I had to still deliver my baby, plan a funeral, and then go back home to take care of my little girl was quite overwhelming. The hospital was wonderful, they were very helpful, the only critisizm would have been that they put me in a room next to a woman screaming and babies crying. They dressed Jocelyn and brought her to us so we could hold her and love her for as long as we needed. I had so many friends and family that were so supportive. I could not have made it without their support. My mom helped so much, taking care of Makayla while I planned the funeral and other things one has to do.

As Christmas drew near Makayla colored a picture and mom dictated a letter for her little sister in heaven. For several years Makalya refered to Jocelyn as her sister in heaven. Each year she wrapped presents, wrote letters, and colored pictures, all carefully set by Santa's cookies and milk with specific instructions to deliver them to heaven for her sister. I saved the letters, recently giving them back to Makayla.

When I went back to teaching in Mill City, my students were so wonderful. They sent me cards, gave me flowers, and were so kind and thoughtful.

Although, losing my daughter, I am so thankful that God gave me 9 months with Jocelyn. Sharing the expereince of giving her life, feeling her growing inside me, feeling her kick, and finally, giving the perfect gift back to the One that sent her in the first place.

That experienced opened many doors over the years to help others as they went through similar situations. It also allowed me to have my wonderful son Jordan. And it also helped me to treasure the children that God does bless us with.

Although I would have never wanted this, I would not change anything. One day I will get to spend eternity with my daughter, my angel, Jocelyn.

I Love You

Mom

Back To Work

Well, I just finished my first week back at school. We had lots of meetings, caught up on 100's of e-mails, and dusted and cleaned my office. I don't have air conditioning, so it was sweltering. I did get a great portable unit which makes it bearable now. I leave on Sunday for San Diego. I will be attending a conference on a program called AVID. It helps students that come from families where they could be first generation college bound students, students that are very capable but don't have the support or confidence etc. We implemented it this last year and it was very successful for the students. We will be in meetings all day, but hope to have some fun too.
Brennen got a job at the fair so he will be starting next week. He wanted me to let him stay home all week by himself. NOT, to much can and could go wrong. His dad is coming down to stay with them and Makayla will come get Janessa so she can spend some time with her. She is excited, Collin also invited her to go to the movies with them on Monday evening. She loves being with them. I won't have to worry knowing that they will be supervised.
It was in the 90's today, weird to say that it felt great.

Dedication to My Mother

Mom, today I especially miss you! I wish we could sit down and talk over a cup of tea. I would want to tell you how much I love you and what I great mother you were. We would talk about how you taught us about Jesus and how much He loves us and wants a personal relationship with us. I remember going to church at The Church By The Side Of The Road in Seattle, and sitting by you and listening to your singing, I loved that. I wanted to grow up and be able to sing like you. I also wanted to be tall enough to rest my hands on the pew in front of me when I was standing up, just like you did. Weird thing, mom, but that was one of my favorite memories.

You always took such great care of us. You made sure that we had fun, friends were always welcome and you were a mother to so many of them as well. We had fun slumber parties, midnight walks to the pond, scary stories, sleep overs at the river, skinny dipping, tap dancing and breaking your toe, snowball fights, dress ups, your painting sweatshirts for the whole Charlie Brown All Star team, and so many other fun memories. I had a wonderful childhood thanks to you and dad.

Mom, I want to thank you for taking good care of dad, loving him for almost 50 years, (he misses you too and says hi). He is doing OK, he is happy and remarried. Pat loves him too and takes good care of him. You don't have to worry about him.

You were also a wonderful grandmother to my children. They loved their "nanny" so much. We talk about you often. You always made time for them, even to the end. They knew that you would play games with them, read or cook with them, and that your love for Jesus was first and foremost.

It was always so hard to watch you in so much pain. You never complained and always put the needs of others before yourself.

Mom, if you were here I would tell you thanks for being the best mother and grandmother. Thanks for raising me in a Christian home, and thanks for leaving a legacy of love and selflessness for your children and grandchildren.

Sweet Pickle Relish (From Arlene Jeske's cupboard)

I was organizing my cookbooks and misc. papers I had collected over the years and ran accross one of the receipes that mom used to make. Thought I would try it. I don't use relish that often, but it is very good and made enough I can keep a few for myself and share with famiy.

4 cups. cucumbers 1 cup green pepper
3 cups onion 1/2 cup red pepper
3 cups celery

Grind or chop into very small pieces and put in a large bowl, sprinkle with 1/4 cup salt and cover with cold water, let sit for 4 hours.

Drain thoroughly in a strainer, press out all excess liquid.

In a large pan combine the following:

31/2 cups sugar 2 cups white vinegar
1 T Celery Seed 1 T Mustard Seed
3 t. Tumeric 1/4 t. Cloves

Bring the above ingredients to a boil, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Stir in drained vegetables and simmer 10 minutes.

Pack into pint jars within 1/2 inch from top. Make sure to screw tops on tight and process in boiling water bath 10 minutes. (time starts once the water is boiling).

Makes about 5 pints.

Stop, Look, and Listen

I can't believe I am going to be 50 in the next couple of weeks. It seemed like only yesterday that I was in high school. As we all experience, time goes by so quickly and so many things that we want to do, or put off until tomorrow, never seem to ever happen or get done. I am over the hump of life and want to stop and decide, what do I want to accomplish with the days God has left for me? This is especially true when it comes to my children. I remember when I had Makayla, I wanted to be the best mom, do so many things with her and each of my other 3 children. There were so many days I was busy and thought or said I would do it tomorrow and now they are grown and I never got them done. If one dwells on those things that we never did, it is easy for Satan to take hold and make me feel guilty. The "I should have, could haves,' etc., can drag me down and make me feel like a failure as a parent. I have to remember that life is a jurney and cannot be planned at all times. Yet, with the time I have left with my 2 youngest, I am trying to take more time to do things with them (when they will let me), trying to create memories and not just getting my list of things done for the day. When in the midst of raising children (especially as a single parent), working, cleaning, being a taxi, etc. etc..... there never seems to be an end to the things that need done. I must remember to "Stop" doing what "I" think needs done, "Look" around and see what I can do with and for others, and "Listen" to what God and my children want to say to me. If I am still enough, I will then be able to hear.

My First Entry

Hello everyone, I love reading other peoples entries, so I thought I would give this a try. Not sure that I will have the time or much to say, but as my address says, I am and this will be "a work in progress."

God Bless